"Look at this." A comment about the weather. A sigh. Reaching for your hand. These small moments might seem insignificant, but they're bids for connection—attempts to engage, to connect, to be seen. How you respond to these bids may be the most important factor in whether your relationship thrives or dies.
What Bids Are
Understanding the concept:
Definition. Any attempt by one partner to get attention, affirmation, or affection from the other.
John Gottman. Research identified bids as crucial.
Subtle. Often very subtle and easy to miss.
Constant. Happen many times a day.
Various forms. Can be verbal, physical, or behavioral.
Need underlying. Each bid has a need underneath.
Crucial. Response to bids predicts relationship success.
Bids are the building blocks of connection.
What Bids Look Like
Examples:
Verbal:
- "Look at this article."
- "How was your day?"
- Sharing a story
- Making a joke
- Commenting on something
Physical:
- Reaching for hand
- Moving closer
- Eye contact seeking
- Touch on arm
- Opening arms for hug
Behavioral:
- Sighing audibly
- Bringing coffee
- Showing something interesting
- Initiating activity
- Entering the room they're in
Most bids are small and easily overlooked.
Three Responses
How partners respond:
Turning toward:
- Engaging with the bid
- Acknowledging the attempt
- "Oh, that's interesting!"
- Making eye contact
- Putting down the phone
Turning away:
- Ignoring the bid
- Being too distracted to notice
- Missing it entirely
- Not responding
Turning against:
- Responding negatively
- "Not now."
- "Who cares?"
- Irritation, dismissal
- Attacking
The response pattern determines relationship health.
Why This Matters
The research:
Gottman's findings:
- Couples who stayed together: turned toward bids 86% of the time
- Couples who divorced: turned toward only 33% of the time
- This one metric was highly predictive.
Connection bank. Each turn-toward is a deposit.
Disconnection. Each turn-away is a withdrawal.
Cumulative. Effects accumulate over time.
Trust. Consistently turning toward builds trust.
How you respond to bids shapes everything.
Why We Miss Bids
Common reasons:
Distraction. Phone, TV, work distractions.
Stress. Stress narrows attention.
Not recognizing. Don't see bid as a bid.
Assumptions. Assume they're fine.
Own needs. Too focused on own experience.
Resentment. Accumulated resentment blocks responding.
Familiarity. Stop paying attention over time.
Bids are easily missed, especially in long relationships.
Turning Toward
How to do it:
Notice. Pay attention to their attempts to connect.
Put down distractions. Phone away, eye contact.
Engage. Respond to what they're sharing.
Show interest. Even if topic isn't exciting.
Touch. Physical response when appropriate.
Full attention. Give them your presence.
Small is enough. Doesn't have to be elaborate.
Turning toward doesn't require much—just attention.
When You Miss a Bid
Recovery:
Notice. Realize you missed it.
Acknowledge. "I'm sorry, I wasn't listening."
Try again. "What were you saying?"
Pattern awareness. Notice if it's happening often.
Adjust. Make changes to be more present.
Don't dismiss. Don't dismiss the importance.
It's okay to miss sometimes; patterns matter.
Making Bids Yourself
The other side:
Clear bids. Make your bids clear.
Direct. "I want your attention for a minute."
Timing. Choose good timing.
Understand rejection. Sometimes they can't engage—not personal.
Repair. If ignored, express the need directly.
Healthy bidding. Bid without demanding.
Making clear bids helps partners respond.
Bids and Technology
The modern challenge:
Phone distraction. Biggest bid-blocker today.
Phubbing. Phone snubbing—preferring phone to partner.
Competition. Infinite content competes with partner.
Intentionality. Must intentionally put phone down.
Device-free time. Create times without devices.
Prioritize. Choose partner over screen.
Technology makes turning toward harder.
Meditation and Connection
Contemplative support:
Presence. Being fully present with partner.
Attention. Training attention.
Noticing. Noticing more subtle signals.
Regulation. Managing distractions and reactions.
Hypnosis can deepen relational presence. Suggestions can support attention and connection.
Drift Inward offers personalized sessions for relationships. Describe your connection goals, and let the AI create content supporting presence with your partner.
The Small Things
Relationships aren't built in grand gestures. They're built in thousands of tiny moments. The look across the room. The shared laugh. The hand that reaches. The attention given when someone says, "Guess what?"
These moments seem small, but they're everything. Each time you turn toward your partner, you deposit in the relationship bank. Each time you turn away—eyes on phone, mind elsewhere, response dismissive—you withdraw. The balance determines whether the relationship thrives or starves.
The couples who last aren't those who never fight. They're those who, in the ordinary moments between conflicts, consistently turn toward each other. Who notice the bids and respond. Who put down the distractions and actually look at the person in front of them.
This is an awareness practice. Start noticing your partner's attempts to connect. The comments that are really invitations. The gestures that are requests for attention. The moments when they're reaching for you.
Then turn toward. Put down the phone. Make eye contact. Engage with what they're sharing. It doesn't take much. Just presence. Just attention. Just the choice, in this moment, to turn toward the person you love.
That's how relationships are built. One small bid, one small turn toward, at a time.
Visit DriftInward.com to explore personalized meditation and hypnosis for relationships. Describe your connection goals, and let the AI create sessions supporting presence and attunement.